Friday, February 19, 2016

Open letter to felines

Dear cats, we need to have a chat about the rules of mouse war. 
When mouse enters the house, it is YOUR duty to kill or otherwise murder said mouse. I know it sounds drastic and a bit messy but it MUST be done!
You see? Your caretaker does not like mice. I know of a few mice who have made a fortune and are rather cute however, the live mice models are not as cute or funny and they are not welcome.
Aurora, I know you are a pedigree white persian. You knew Calico and Pumpkin so you should know they never played with their opponents. When they went for the kill, they nailed it! Please think before you act.
Scamper, you were found out doors, orphaned. You should know mice are a food source therefore there should be no playing.
Here are a few rules of mouse war engagement:
Thou shall not play or bat mouse around the living room.
Thou shall not chase mouse into yarn bags. While yarn is great fun for you this is especially distressing for your human caretaker.
Thou shall not be distracted by the school bus stopping at the top of the driveway distracting you from said mouse. THAT is not your concern, that concern belongs to Mr. Bettis. Please keep in mind, you are not a dog.
Thou shall not take a bath while said mouse plays dead. While you are concerned about your fluffy coat, no one cares and mouse skitters under the couch. Not good.
Thou shall not engage in mouse war for longer than 5 minutes (1 hour is too long)
When said human caretaker must take the snow shovel and broom to (ahem) take care of mouse removal, this upsets your care taker and remember, she's the one who fills the food dishes.
I know you're tired after an hour of doing? Well? Pretty much nothing, the human caretaker is stressed from sitting on the kitchen table shouting, screaming, screeching and otherwise trying to get you to do your job.
Coming to me for pets is not going to happen right now. You have lost the war this time. There are no rewards.
I expect you to adhere to the rules.
your caretaker who tolerates (and ignores) your incessant meowing for more food when the dish is 3/4 full

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